Urban Cowboy's
Queer Dance Etiquette

 
Shocking as this may seem to y'all, even long-haired cowboys's got their manners!   My Mama done raise me right, even though I done disappointed her by not poppin' out with them 18 grandchil'n I promised her back in 5th grade.   Now, some of y'all maybe a-wonderin'; how could a tough old cowboy like me have a "sensative" side enough to write about manners n such.   You're forgettin' somethin', partner: I'm one of them "RAINBOW"-type Cowboys!   We done invented "sensative"!!!   So, LISTEN UP , boy (or gyrl, if that's what you be)!

This here's from many a year of ridin' the urban trails and takin' a spin out on that hardwood floor.   If ya heed what I be sayin', I betya be one hellava poplar ride around the room!   This here add-vise comes from hard-earned four paws of my own (not that I ever done no wrong on the dance floor --- guffaw guffaw! ); plus watchin' & learnin' from all the stupid four paws of other cowboys!   So, here ya be: this here's my version of what be right and what be wrong to say & do while that old music be a-torchin' and a-twangin'...

  1. Be nice.   It ain't much to ask of ya, 'specially when the average torch n twang only done last about 3 minutes!
  2. Learn the "Rules of the Range" of the dance floor (excellent here example: in travelling dances, like C&W 2-Step, the "fast lane" is the OUTSIDE circle; Grandma and tenderfoots should move more toward the middle)!
  3. Whoever is the more experienced dancer should adjust to the tenderfoot's ability (because they be the only one who CAN adjust, Cowboy!), --- it's just downright RUDE to try to impress your sweet little partner with all them fancy moves, when he just done learnt how to hop in the saddle!
  4. LEADERS: Be it a goal to make the 'xperience as pleasant as possible for your fine & dandy partner.   Remember what your mama taught ya 'bout bein' "gentlemanly" (regardless of yer gender)!   Since followers have no choice in the moves ya be trying to 'xecute, strive to make 'em feel as safe and comfortable as possible, --- and that you want THEM to look like the Coyote's howl!   Your reward for being such a considerate cowboy or cowgyrl will be that of many a thrilled lady (real, or "otherwise"), --- and lots of partners eagerly coming back to you for more dances!
  5. FOLLOWERS: If it be downright unfair to your horsie to never take no ridin' lessons, how do ya 'xpect us leaders to feel if ya never take any dance lessons?!!   Trust me: learnin' the follower's part in a dance class setting will make you a DREAM to dance with, instead of bein' a Muley's burden!   I aughtta know:   I still have to BEG my cowboy buddies to take me for a spin in the passenger seat!
  6. Here be some FABULOUSLY VALID REASONS TO TURN DOWN A DANCE:
    1. If the cowboy asking you has injured you in the past (either physically; or just plain done broke yer heart).
    2. They be slobberin' & staggerin' from Firewater.
    3. They be exhibiting some sort of influence from another planetary orbit; and the mind-altering state of this planet be REAL strange!
    4. Their breathin' or cowboy duds remind you of Gilroy's Garlic Festival.
    5. You feel unsafe / uncomfortable in any way.
  7. Here be some OTHER VALID REASONS TO TURN DOWN A DANCE:
    1. You need a canteen break, gotta go back to the ranch, your horsie's gonna leave without ya, etc., --- AND POLITELY 'XPLAIN SO!
    2. You had already promised the dance to another cowboy buddy.
    3. You ain't familiar with the dance, or the music's just a hair bit too fast fer ya.
  8. And here be some INVALID REASONS TO TURN DOWN A DANCE:
    1. The cowboy ain't cute enough fer ya, or ain't quite yer "type"!
    2. You're a real "hot shot" on the dance floor; and they ain't nothin' but a lowly "tenderfoot"!
  9. Urban Cowboy's advise if ya git turned down:
    1. Give yer fella-cowboys the benny-fit of the doubt: there just might be one of them valid reasons we was talkin' 'bout.   Plus, keep in mind that those of us older ranch hands git a little more tuckered out, --- as well as know too many folks at the barn dance for our own good!
    2. If ya git turned down a LOT; well, maybe ya better talk to yer horsie to git a little straight-from-the-hip stuff to set you back on the gay & narrow!
    3. If it be just one of them cowboys with that famous "I'm a better roper & rider than you" attitude, even if the hottest rug-cutter on the floor, I ain't gonna waste so much as a 3-minute song on 'em!
  10. Re. COLLISIONS WITH OTHER COWPOKES, MUSTANGS, OR MULEYS:   Hey, these things tend to happen at the Shindigs!   Best just apologize all the way 'round, even if ya think it's that other cowboy's fault!   If ya be bumpin' into other folks a lot, though, while tearin' up the turf, then go back to yer horsie again fer some more little add-vise about learnin' that thing called "spacial awareness"!
  11. Re. CRITICIZING / CORRECTING / "TEACHING" OTHER DANCERS:   The old ranch hand saying, "unsolicited advise is never welcomed" is a favorite among us more seasoned rainbow-type cowboys.   Hey, we ain't interested in no Ballroom competition (after all, those guys on TV look more "gay" than we do)!   There are two good 'xceptions to this rule, however: a. if it be the kindly thing (AKA: "lesser of two evils") to show a struggling Tenderfoot a tip or two; b. if another cowboy or cowgyrl asks for advise or comment.   Other than that, KEEP YER TRAP SHUT!!! (WARNING : for those who don't; you make great fodder for when me & my cowboy buddies git together to swap yarn fer sharin' guffaws & howlin' at the moon!)
  12. And, last but not yeast, don't forget some of the little niceties and social graces that yer lovin' mama taught ya.   For example, repeat after me: "Thankya, Mr., fer the dance" !!!

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